> Letter to a friend. logo

I wish you could still be here.

Even after all these months, I still can't accept that you're not here anymore. Losing a friend is always hard , but I didn't expect to lose you like this. You'll never know how important you were to me , even if I told you that often. You were one of my best friends , and you'll never know how it feels to not talk to you daily anymore. When I found out you dissapeared , I was so worried, having feelings I couldn't even describe , having way too many bad thoughts. I didn't wish for all the bad thoughts to be real though. My brain still can't accept that you're not alive in this world anymore .

There's so many terrible people in this world , and I'm so sorry you had to deal with lots of them . In the end , I hope you understood that it's not your fault. You didn't deserve any of this ,really . It's such a horrible thing to lose someone so caring and so talented like you . I know that death is inevitable, that it happens to all of us at some point . But when it happens all of a sudden , especially when you're this young , it leaves you with a painful feeling. We always used to make jokes about death , right? The both of us ; I know you were destructive ,always hating yourself and harming yourself in any kind of way. And I'm glad I could stop you from doing such things sometimes. But sadly I wasn't there in your last moments , and I still blame myself for this to this day . I tried so hard to find you , in any way possible , but you dissapeared so suddenly . I miss you. The last time we talked on the phone , I treasure that so much. Unfortunately I didn't know it would be the last time I hear your voice.

Since you passed away , I've been having lots of dreams about you . I can't get over it so easily , you know. Some of them are nice dreams , seeing you happy and still talking with you all day , or playing games , the stuff we were usually doing together. I miss talking to you about stupid things until 4 AM . But some dreams are not so nice. I try to shake it off , thinking that it's all a dream , but when I wake up crying , I remember that the reality is even worse than the nightmares I had. It's horrible.

This may sound selfish or just plain mean from me , but one day I was thinking that it's actually better that you're dead. That you're not in this awful world anymore. With so many bad things happening to you , with so many people who treated you badly and left you out when you had to speak for yourself . There's so many bad things in this world , but unfortunately your world was even worse . I'm so glad I could brighten up your days sometime . I know you had no one except of me most of the time , I know how hard it must have been on yourself , all those bad thoughts gathering up , above your head , like a cloud . Always raining . Never quiet for you . I get it , it was way too much for you. And you found a way to make it all go quiet , but you didn't think about the consequences . You didn't think about the people you left behind. I know that not too many people cared or even knew about your existence , right ? That's what you always told me. No one there for you,just you by yourself. Even if you didn't believe it , I cared about you a lot. You were so important to me .

Today I've been thinking a lot about the after life . You changed the way I see my future , just a bit. I'm not so sure about hell and heaven . Don't even know if that thing is real or it's just something made-up by people to feel better about their death. Death can be scary for most of us, not everyone sees death as something normal,natural . However, one thing that I hope is real , is reincarnation . I hope your other life will be better than this one you just lost . I wish for nothing else but happiness , good friends , and love in your next life . Maybe you won't be a human , who knows ? But maybe you'll bloom as a spring flower . Or a tree. Or maybe the clouds that make someone's day better . Or a frog ? I know you liked them a lot:)

Maybe we'll meet again in another life . I really hope for that . But even if we don't , I'll never forget you. It's not possible for me to leave a proper goodbye to you , something like flowers to your grave , or a goodbye hug . It's too late , and I can't find you anywhere at all now. But even if it's not too much , I'd like to leave my gratitude for you in this stupid little website of mine.

Fly high angel . I'll always love you.

( I know how special these characters were to you . They'll always remind me of you. < 3 )